The Tao of Forgiveness – Part 1

I have been asked many times to discuss forgiveness. It is a subject that is much misunderstood. Asking for forgiveness and forgiving others can feel to be a complicated process. Forgiveness requires courage, compassion, and faith. All of us have hurt people knowingly and unknowingly. We have been hurt by others as well. Both are facts. When we allow ourselves to get caught up in blame, bitterness, envy, and resentment – we forge an emotional bond to that person or event. Our internal struggle with it tightens the bond that we have with the event/person that hurt us. That energy also moves with us into our future paving the way for more struggle. It can become our identity if we allow it that much power. Explained another way – these attachments become the unconscious drivers and motivations of our future choices.

How many times do we engage in mock battles in our heads with the people that we believe wronged us? We can even engage in these mock battles years later. We relive the arguments, relive the pain – even sometimes imagining exacting retribution in our minds. I chuckle a little bit at myself as I recall the mind battles that I have engaged in. Of course, I was vindicated in each replay. J They provided a fleeting satisfaction. Shortly thereafter, I felt deep emotional fatigue. This feeling got my attention. It allowed me to see what I was doing to myself – to what each of us unconsciously does to ourselves. Think of all of the energy that we donate to the past! It eventually depletes our potential and life energy.  If we harbor negating feelings and nurse them – they will rob us of our joy, blind us to the good that we have in our lives, and impair our health. Un-forgiveness is much like going swimming in lead boots. Your goal is to get to the other side, but instead, the lead causes you to sink to the bottom.

There are two components that are sometimes attributed to forgiveness which has led to its misunderstanding. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting.  We can never forget the things that impact our lives. Nor, does forgiveness mean that everything that occurred was OK. Forgiveness is the act of freeing ourselves to grow…to live more deeply. It means that we are taking our Power back by not doing battle with our history or by being attached to the events/persons that we perceive wounded us. Think of it this way – As long as I am angry, slighted, etc….that situation still has control of me.  I am feeding it and depleting my internal resources. I am not free to be my true Self. Forgiving the Soul of the person who wounds us – frees us both. It allows us both to learn and grow through our lessons. Whether we choose to believe it or not, every person and relationship serves a purpose. The important thing is to allow ourselves to find the gift – the learning in the experience.  The purpose of the experience may have been to teach us self-worth, to trust our intuition, our values, compassion, healthy boundaries, humility, or to help us uncover a strength that we did not know we possessed. Of course, there are more gifts that can be named here that come from our challenges. Know that each of us has the power to emerge from our pain – wiser, stronger, and Lighter.

Some people believe that in order to forgive, the other person must apologize or change. We do not need another’s permission to heal and grow. Forgiveness is a tool for your healing and growth. We sometimes get caught up in maybe they’ll understand me now and change. No one can convince another to change. That is another form of attachment.  Each of us changes in our own time.

Forgiveness takes time and sometimes multiple attempts. Go gently! It is not always easy – but each of us deserves far better than a life that is slowly losing its Joy.  Our challenge is to love ourselves enough to free ourselves. We know that we have truly forgiven someone when we can think of them, observe that thought softly, and then let it go. No one benefits from the power of forgiveness more than the one who forgives! I share this final thought with you:

After Forgiveness comes Love. In your heart and spirit you are a beautiful person – is there anything so unforgivable that it should keep you connected in emotional bondage to a person or condition? Standing here on the edge of Enlightenment, you can choose to play small and remain where you are or you can dive into the Heart of Love and experience a life more beautiful than you’ve ever known.~ Steven Connor

In my next post, we will explore some of the keys to forgiveness. Blessings on the Journey, my friends!

Diana